I'll Be Bored With This in a Week

I always ALMOST write posts, but there’s something in me that restricts me from writing about aspirations or internal struggles. Even writing this feels weird to me. I’m an incredibly open person but I’ve also got something inside of myself that only I know about myself. I’m not sure I fully understand it even. But it’s knowledge of my future, and how I know I WON’T let it turn out. I don’t know. I’m rambling.

Hasta la Vista, Baby

Anonymous asked: What's your earliest memory? Is it significant to anything in your life now, do you think?

That’s a rad question. I don’t know how old I was, but it was my older sister’s birthday dinner at our house. And my Grandma Helen came over with presents for my sister and right before we were about to eat, she called me over and pulled a little wrapped up present out of her purse. It was a few small Thomas The Tank Engine figurines. She didn’t want me to feel left out on my sister’s birthday. That’s the first memory I have of my life.

As far as how it might have significance now in my life? I don’t try to be a nice person. Being nice is all I know and all that makes sense to me. So there’s no effort. I think that her constantly being nice and loving me may tie into why it’s the only way I know how to be. It’s what I was always around. Even at that young age.

Blue Tongue

Just typed out about three paragraphs and highlighted all of it and erased it. In doing that I just learned something important; Not all things are meant to be shared. A big part of what makes us who we are is what we don’t let anyone see.

Surely there are one or two people in your life that might really know everything there is to know about you. Don’t let go of those people. Don’t handle those relationships carelessly. They’re fragile and priceless.

But everyone has certain things that the majority of people they encounter will never know about them. That’s the type of thing I almost just shared. I felt that I would’ve had some sort of resolution once I shared it and gave it to the world, (or the few people that follow me on here at least). But I don’t know that I want anymore resolution than I already have in it.

It’s important to have some things that are between you and yourself. How you carry those things around in your everyday life define you to an extent. Do you throw a pity party and invite the world? Do you act like a supercharged version of yourself to try and conceal it, when in reality you’re only making it more obvious that something is wrong? Or do you take whatever lesson, big or small, that you learned from that experience and try to better yourself and those around you in each and every way you can?

All you can really do for the short time that you’re alive is to be completely and unconditionally you. And for fuck’s sake, be nice to people.

Also, I’ve been drinking this blue juice like crazy. My tongue is hella blue.

Sir Paul

Last night, while pondering over my two fantasy football leagues, I was brainstorming for clever team names. In one league, I was The Jedi Gestapo, and in another, Scoregasm. Both funny to me, but not offensive. And I’m a firm believer in the FanLaw: “An inoffensive fantasy football team name is a bad fantasy football team name.” Thus, I started thinking about controversial things in the sports world. I thought no further than Penn State. While I think it’s awful beyond comprehension what that monster Jerry Sandusky did, as well as the seemed ‘cover up’ by many adults at the university, I couldn’t pass it up.

Members of the Empire League III and Show Me Your TD’s….
      I present to you….
           drumroll please…..

                          THE SAND HUSKIES.

Also, I thought Sir Paul was terrific at the opening ceremonies last night.

Anonymous asked: You seem to be upset at Religion, rather than the actual possibility of a creator? Even if religion is "bullshit", doesn't mean that there isn't a creator. Albert Einstein never dismissed the possibility of a creator, just NOT a "personal" god. Notice how I say creator and not a personal God or anything. I think there is a difference between the two. Just hard to believe something out of nothing happened, and everything panned out perfectly? hmm. I'm not a religious woman by any means, open mind

Well said. And also, kudos for being accurate about Einstein.

I’ve always said that belief in a god is fine. A little out there for me, but harmless. I do have a problem with religion. I think it breeds judgment and is just another tool used to separate people unnecessarily. So your assessment of my views is very accurate.

As far as there possibly being a creator; I don’t know. Plain and simple. Nobody, including believers, actually KNOWS how the earth came to be. The difference is that as soon as there is proof one way or the other, (and maybe there never will be) I’m completely open to and curious to learn more about it. People of deep religious belief seem to not need any more answers. And no matter what proof is ever offered up, I think many of them will stick to their views, ludacris as they may seem. I don’t know if that answered your question. I hope it did.

Gaslight Anthem

Talking with a friend a couple of weeks ago, the topic of religion came up as it often does when you live in the buckle of the bible belt. After I told her my views, I could tell she was sincerely bothered by them. She said, “I don’t understand. It’s like you don’t even think about it. It’s like you’re not thinking at all.”. To which I replied, “No. The reason I feel the way I do is ONLY BECAUSE I think.”.

The topic of gay marriage and homosexuality in general came up and I stood in my stance of as long as you’re a good person, I will never in a million years try to deny anyone of happiness, and sexual orientation is about as important to me as the tread on the bottom of your sneakers. When I said that, for the first REAL time in my life, I looked into a person’s eyes and literally saw them judging me. I said “I can see you judging me behind your eyes.”. She didn’t even deny it. She just got deadly quiet and all of a sudden dinner took a turn down a road that it didn’t need to. Though she said she was fine, there was tension in the air the rest of the night.

Judging someone to that extent is just so incredibly ugly to me. If it’s human nature to be judgmental, then my judgment is so incredibly suppressed because I am unaware of any judgment in me. It divides people and teaches you to dislike people that you’ve never met before.

Also, listening to the new Gaslight Anthem album, good stuff. Check it out yo!

If I’m having a conversation with you and all you’re doing is complaining, watch how fast I make up an excuse to leave.

Almost wrote a deep, raw post. But not in the mood to do those feelings justice right now.

hummus.

I need to empty out my mind.
I’m at work, and while we’re quite busy, I’ve done more work in these first couple hours, than I usually do in an entire night. Thus, I feel no guilt writing this. Not that I would or should anyway. When I began working here, I literally laughed at the notion that I’d be working here for more than three months. That was 16 months ago. Working here is the most uninspiring job that I’ve ever had. By far. I have applications & resume’s out all over town, so I feel alright bitching. Don’t complain about your situation if you’re doing nothing to try and change your situation. The thought that some people work here for years, and years, and years, and are seemingly content is flabbergasting to me. (Says the guy who’s been here for almost a year and a half.)

There was a brief period of time when I was a little kid, where I wanted nothing more than a career as a house painter.
But aside from that, I’ve dreaded a life of normalcy. Normal, meaning, a clock to punch, a half hour lunch (hour if you’re lucky!), and hoping to work enough and save up enough money to go on a cruise before you die. Fuck that. There’s more to life than health benefits. Don’t ever stay at a job just because “the benefits are good”. That’s so insane to me. I had this talk with my Dad not too long ago, and the notion of benefits not being the most important thing in the world was one he couldn’t grasp. I respect my parents tremendously, and am beyond grateful for what they’ve done and what they continue to do for me, but our brains are on different frequencies.

I don’t know what the hell I want.
I’m going to become an actor. I’m going to move to Denver. I’m going to become a screenwriter. I’m going to travel the world. I’m going to finally bring my idea of traveling from NY to LA with no money whatsoever and documenting it and selling it to Discovery Channel or some other station, into fruition. I’m going to be a stand-up comedian. I’m going to be right alongside Dan Fouts, providing play-by-play commentary on NFL Sundays. These are all things that cross my mind on a regular basis. Sooner or later, one of them will happen, but even when it does, I’m convinced that I’ll lose interest and want to pursue one of the other things. I envy people that know exactly what they want. But then I wonder if anybody really does. Are they bullshitting everyone, including themselves, because it’s convenient and what they feel like “they’re supposed to do”?. How can I possibly put all my focus into one thing when I want to do so many? Literally, how is that possible?

I think that’s all I’m going to say for now.

Also, I tried hummus the other day. I didn’t love it.

For a long, long time I was always concerned with pleasing people. For some reason I always felt this pressure to appease everyone around me, or try to at least.

Fuck that.

I don’t know what did it, but I’m so glad that isn’t me anymore. Life happens and then you die. Worry about yourself. Don’t waste time or energy trying to be anything or do anything you don’t want to be or do. If you’re truly, 100% yourself all the time, it’s tough to have any regrets.

Time to sleep now.